Hello Everyone,
Our seasons are changing here in Preston County and as a result the leaves are falling and you can smell Fall in the air. Thinking about the cycle of the seasons, the way the plants die off and then are reborn in the Spring...the way everything looks so hopeless in the Winter...and yet, really it's not all made me think about relationships, specifically marriages.
In the past couple of years my husband and I have been through so much, me from a medical and legal standpoint and he has supported me through everything. When I looked hopeless - he saw hope. No matter what I did to ensure that I wouldn't see another season he never gave up. He believes (unlike many) that marriage is for better or worse...bottom line..better or worse. He's a fighter and he taught me to fight and helped me to regain my strength, my dignity, my soul.
I've been given the miraculous opportunity to regroup and work on being healthy - I'm so thankful for that. Much like the world regroups one season to another.
So..this struggle is a season, a time to heal, to regroup and to know that the next season will bring change. Bring it on, I'm ready.
Blessings to everyone!!!!
Shawn
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Faith
It's hard to believe it's been so many weeks since my last post...time has a way of slipping past us, un-noticed.
Much has happened since I posted last...probably the most significant is that Judge Miller removed himself from my case. As a result, I will be appointed a new Judge by the Supreme Court Justices. I haven't received word yet as to who the new Judge will be, but I'm anxiously awaiting that news.
I also have change psychiatrists - my new doc is Dr. Kavara Vaughn at Chestnut Ridge. I have met with her once thus far and really liked her and her staff. She will not be leaving Chestnut Ridge for approximately two years...which was one of my requirements. I'm not fond of switching docs - takes far too long to find one you trust that is willing to really get to know you. And usually new docs want to change your meds - she does want to add a mood stabilizer to what I'm already taking which sounds like a good idea to me, so I'm open to trying!
I've been thinking so much lately about what my future holds...I know God has a plan for me, and with that in mind I'm finding myself more comfortable and less worried. My last ECT treatment was last Wednesday and I seemed to recover pretty quickly, which makes having them a lot more tolerable!!
I've started exercising pretty regularly - each day doing cardio and weights. That has had a tremendous impact on my stamina and mood. I'm finding it could be key in the success of all other treatment and don't think the doctors put enough emphasis on the psychological benefits of exercise. Exercise creates the good chemicals that work between the pathways in the brain. The more good chemicals that are present the better for people with any mental illness. I'm also attempting (emphasis on "attempting") to change my diet and those with whom I chose to surround myself. Processed sugars are not good for Bipolar Disorder, additives, chemicals etc. Those things seems to have more of a "mood" impact on Bipolar suffers than you might think.
We found out last week that one of my meds that was previously on the PEIA "preferred" drug list is now no longer on that list which results in a much, much higher payment for me. I'm going to be calling our insurance company to see if I can get that changed. I've also been looking into 90 day bipolar rehab programs in the Eastern US, which we're hoping might be an alternative in sentencing if need be...They actually sound very good and seem that they could be very beneficial, I'll have to check into the insurance for that as well.
I'm very happy to let everyone know that we have been spending a great deal more time with Charlie's kids and their families. I seem to be getting especially close to Chase, our grandson, which makes my heart so happy!!! My only concern is that if I do have to "go away" for any length of time...I'm afraid that not only will I have to start over medically, but also I'm scared of losing ground that's been gained with Charlie's kids...it would break my heart...of that, I am certain.
My time with Charlie has been wonderful...as usual. So many people seem surprised by the amount of time we like to spend together...it seems so normal to us. He is truly my best friend and knows me better than anyone...loving him is like breathing...I don't even think about it, I do it and if it were taken away I truly believe I would just die without the "breath" of his love for me. Of that I am also certain.
We are planning a vacation which will begin in the next couple of weeks, I'm really looking forward to getting away from all that distracts us here at home and at work...
Wishing you all a wonderful couple of weeks - I will check back in soon!!
Much has happened since I posted last...probably the most significant is that Judge Miller removed himself from my case. As a result, I will be appointed a new Judge by the Supreme Court Justices. I haven't received word yet as to who the new Judge will be, but I'm anxiously awaiting that news.
I also have change psychiatrists - my new doc is Dr. Kavara Vaughn at Chestnut Ridge. I have met with her once thus far and really liked her and her staff. She will not be leaving Chestnut Ridge for approximately two years...which was one of my requirements. I'm not fond of switching docs - takes far too long to find one you trust that is willing to really get to know you. And usually new docs want to change your meds - she does want to add a mood stabilizer to what I'm already taking which sounds like a good idea to me, so I'm open to trying!
I've been thinking so much lately about what my future holds...I know God has a plan for me, and with that in mind I'm finding myself more comfortable and less worried. My last ECT treatment was last Wednesday and I seemed to recover pretty quickly, which makes having them a lot more tolerable!!
I've started exercising pretty regularly - each day doing cardio and weights. That has had a tremendous impact on my stamina and mood. I'm finding it could be key in the success of all other treatment and don't think the doctors put enough emphasis on the psychological benefits of exercise. Exercise creates the good chemicals that work between the pathways in the brain. The more good chemicals that are present the better for people with any mental illness. I'm also attempting (emphasis on "attempting") to change my diet and those with whom I chose to surround myself. Processed sugars are not good for Bipolar Disorder, additives, chemicals etc. Those things seems to have more of a "mood" impact on Bipolar suffers than you might think.
We found out last week that one of my meds that was previously on the PEIA "preferred" drug list is now no longer on that list which results in a much, much higher payment for me. I'm going to be calling our insurance company to see if I can get that changed. I've also been looking into 90 day bipolar rehab programs in the Eastern US, which we're hoping might be an alternative in sentencing if need be...They actually sound very good and seem that they could be very beneficial, I'll have to check into the insurance for that as well.
I'm very happy to let everyone know that we have been spending a great deal more time with Charlie's kids and their families. I seem to be getting especially close to Chase, our grandson, which makes my heart so happy!!! My only concern is that if I do have to "go away" for any length of time...I'm afraid that not only will I have to start over medically, but also I'm scared of losing ground that's been gained with Charlie's kids...it would break my heart...of that, I am certain.
My time with Charlie has been wonderful...as usual. So many people seem surprised by the amount of time we like to spend together...it seems so normal to us. He is truly my best friend and knows me better than anyone...loving him is like breathing...I don't even think about it, I do it and if it were taken away I truly believe I would just die without the "breath" of his love for me. Of that I am also certain.
We are planning a vacation which will begin in the next couple of weeks, I'm really looking forward to getting away from all that distracts us here at home and at work...
Wishing you all a wonderful couple of weeks - I will check back in soon!!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Ending The Stigma!
Mental illness is one of the most unrecognized and unreported health problems in the United States. Although it is one of the most pervasive and disabling illnesses, it is not viewed as a real illness, such as cancer, heart disease, or diabetes. As a result stigma becomes one of the major barriers to accessing mental health services. Stigma also causes discrimination in many other aspects of a person’s life, including the work place, academia, the local community, and even relationships with family and friends, whose support is so crucial to recovery. For many, the stigma is worse than the illness itself!
The most devastating result of all is when stigma has a damaging effect on a person’s recovery and the ability and will needed to find appropriate treatment, access to critical services, and support from health care providers and insurers. The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) believes governments and others must take the following steps to help end the stigma and discrimination surrounding mental illnesses:
Federal officials should provide leadership and resources to decrease the stigma against mental illness that prevents people from acknowledging their illness and seeking treatment.
Federal, state, and local governments must provide needed resources for ongoing, public awareness programs to communicate that mental illnesses are real, medical, and treatable illnesses.
Governments, media, consumers, and advocacy organizations must educate the public that mental heath is integral to overall health and that with appropriate treatment, consumers can recover and live full and productive lives.
Federal and state governments must provide funding for additional and improved community based mental health services for families facing the devastating decision of custody relinquishment of a seriously-ill child in order to receive necessary treatment.
Federal and state governments must provide the means for local advocacy organizations to work with law enforcement and criminal justice systems to meet the need for better assessment, counseling services, and training that prevent incarceration and post recidivism of persons living with a mental illness.
Mental health consumers must always be included in the development, implementation, and evaluation of all federal, state, community-based, and private sector programs to ensure accuracy and efficacy in addressing mental illness.
DBSA believes congressional committees and relevant federal government agencies must take a proactive role in funding and working with peer-based, mental health advocacy organizations to alleviate the stigma surrounding mental illness. Elected officials on the federal, state, and local levels — who have lived with mental illness personally or through the lives of their families — should be encouraged to share their experiences with the public. Such outreach should be aimed at educating and informing the general public that mental illnesses are no different than physical illnesses and can be treated effectively, with recovery an ultimate and achievable goal
The most devastating result of all is when stigma has a damaging effect on a person’s recovery and the ability and will needed to find appropriate treatment, access to critical services, and support from health care providers and insurers. The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) believes governments and others must take the following steps to help end the stigma and discrimination surrounding mental illnesses:
Federal officials should provide leadership and resources to decrease the stigma against mental illness that prevents people from acknowledging their illness and seeking treatment.
Federal, state, and local governments must provide needed resources for ongoing, public awareness programs to communicate that mental illnesses are real, medical, and treatable illnesses.
Governments, media, consumers, and advocacy organizations must educate the public that mental heath is integral to overall health and that with appropriate treatment, consumers can recover and live full and productive lives.
Federal and state governments must provide funding for additional and improved community based mental health services for families facing the devastating decision of custody relinquishment of a seriously-ill child in order to receive necessary treatment.
Federal and state governments must provide the means for local advocacy organizations to work with law enforcement and criminal justice systems to meet the need for better assessment, counseling services, and training that prevent incarceration and post recidivism of persons living with a mental illness.
Mental health consumers must always be included in the development, implementation, and evaluation of all federal, state, community-based, and private sector programs to ensure accuracy and efficacy in addressing mental illness.
DBSA believes congressional committees and relevant federal government agencies must take a proactive role in funding and working with peer-based, mental health advocacy organizations to alleviate the stigma surrounding mental illness. Elected officials on the federal, state, and local levels — who have lived with mental illness personally or through the lives of their families — should be encouraged to share their experiences with the public. Such outreach should be aimed at educating and informing the general public that mental illnesses are no different than physical illnesses and can be treated effectively, with recovery an ultimate and achievable goal
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Essay Questions for Peer Support Specialist Application
Hello Everyone!
The Depression Bipolar Support Alliance is offering a "Peer Support Specialist" class in Lombard Illinois this summer. In order to get into the selection process I had to fill out an application that included several essay-type questions. I thought I would post the questions and answers, they offer some further insite into my history, my treatment and my hopes....
2010 DBSA PEER SPECIALIST TRAINING APPLICATION
1. A) Why do you want to become a peer specialist?
I would like to become a peer specialist in order to become better equipped in conducting my DBSA support groups in Kingwood, WV and Morgantown, WV. I also feel that becoming a peer specialist would offer me more insight in assisting others with their mental health needs, helping me provide valuable tools that could aid in their recovery, and provide me with critical information when dealing with the person(s) suffering as well as their friends and family.
B) What makes you a good candidate to work with other consumers in the mental health field?
I am 45 years old and for the bulk of my life I have suffered and struggled with mental illness. I have been misdiagnosed, taken many medications that did and didn’t work and struggled through their various side effects, I have personally seen how Bipolar and Depression can affect not only the patient but also their relationships with their spouse, family, children, their work life and social life. I have been hospitalized a total of 6 times in mental health hospitals, some private and some state-run. About 2 years ago I had the worst bipolar episode I have ever had which resulted in a suicide attempt, hospitalization, intense group therapy, individual psychotherapy, and, ultimately, I agreed to try Electro Convulsive Therapy, which has worked incredibly well for my particular situation. I’ve also had a great deal of experience with dealing with the inner workings of medical insurance with regard to mental health coverage, and have successfully gotten that coverage expanded for my own mental healthcare needs. I believe this background does make me a good candidate to work with other consumers in the mental health field, as, in my opinion, there is no better experience than personal experience. That personal experience also helps the consumer relate to, and trust the provider. I know first-hand you cannot “snap out of mental health issues” or “shake off mental illness”…it takes work, support and persistence to make strides towards recovery.
2. A) What does recovery mean to you?
To me, recovery means understanding your mental illness and the treatment options that are currently available, realizing you have to power to control and minimize some, if not all, of the symptoms, maintaining your medical and mental health treatment, and working closely and honestly with your providers and those that are supportive. It also means working towards getting past the stigma of being diagnosed with a mental illness, “owning” it and learning to work with it, not against it. Recovery also means finding and utilizing different support mechanisms. To me, that is a critical part of recovery, as that will help maintain the recovery. Hopefully, recovery would eventually mean accepting your illness and understanding that while care is necessary, it doesn’t “define” the person who has been diagnosed. Bipolar and depression are manageable; knowing and understanding that is a large part of the recovery process.
B) What were/are important factors in your own recovery?
There are many factors that are so important in my own recovery. My family’s support and understanding, their willingness to attend doctor’s appointments and therapy with me; my husband’s unwavering support; not giving up on finding the proper treatment that works specifically for me and my needs and body; finding a psychiatrist and psychotherapist that work for me and my personality – doctors that I’m comfortable with and whom I trust implicitly. Taking my medications on time, keeping my ECT appointments which are currently once per months, being honest about how I’m feeling with my doctors and family, keeping stressors to a minimum, as I know they are triggers for my bipolar disorder, and conducting my own DBSA support groups has also been extremely instrumental in my recovery. Having been through so much, it’s very helpful to me to use that information to help others.
C) What types of experiences have you had in assisting, or advocating for, consumers of mental health services (for example, support group leadership, self-advocacy, public testimony, programs you started, etc.)? Please be specific.
While hospitalized I interacted closely with several patients in my group settings; I have spoken out publically on as many occasions as possible – never shying away from talking about my own personal experience and trying to reduce the stigma afflicting those suffering with mental illness; I have started two support groups through the DBSA which are going very well, one is in a smaller town, Kingwood WV, and the other is in a more metropolitan area, Morgantown, WV. I hope to begin speaking at high schools next year about mental health awareness in an effort to reduce the stigma and begin tackling how mental illness is perceived at an earlier age so it doesn’t manifest itself as the children grow into adulthood. There is power in knowledge in my opinion. I have given public testimony in my church and at my supports groups. I’m also considering working towards taking one of my dogs to therapy school in the hopes of visiting the local mental health facilities in this area. I remember working with a therapy dog at Chestnut Ridge in Morgantown WV, and it was incredible…dogs don’t judge, or care if you’re bipolar or depressed, they just love unconditionally.
3. A) Do you currently hold a position where you will use the skills gained through Peer Specialist training and certification? I am currently a member of the Red Cross and have started two DBSA support groups. I would hope to use the skills gained to assist those in my groups as well as aid in helping those going through disasters and/or the emergency/aid personnel assisting with disaster relief. I do not receive pay for these positions.
B) Are you a current candidate for a position where you will use the skills gained through Peer Specialist training and certification? No, I am not currently a candidate for a position where I would use the skills gained through Peer Specialist training and certification.
See attached Application.
Thank you,
Shawn Rhenae Graham
The Depression Bipolar Support Alliance is offering a "Peer Support Specialist" class in Lombard Illinois this summer. In order to get into the selection process I had to fill out an application that included several essay-type questions. I thought I would post the questions and answers, they offer some further insite into my history, my treatment and my hopes....
2010 DBSA PEER SPECIALIST TRAINING APPLICATION
1. A) Why do you want to become a peer specialist?
I would like to become a peer specialist in order to become better equipped in conducting my DBSA support groups in Kingwood, WV and Morgantown, WV. I also feel that becoming a peer specialist would offer me more insight in assisting others with their mental health needs, helping me provide valuable tools that could aid in their recovery, and provide me with critical information when dealing with the person(s) suffering as well as their friends and family.
B) What makes you a good candidate to work with other consumers in the mental health field?
I am 45 years old and for the bulk of my life I have suffered and struggled with mental illness. I have been misdiagnosed, taken many medications that did and didn’t work and struggled through their various side effects, I have personally seen how Bipolar and Depression can affect not only the patient but also their relationships with their spouse, family, children, their work life and social life. I have been hospitalized a total of 6 times in mental health hospitals, some private and some state-run. About 2 years ago I had the worst bipolar episode I have ever had which resulted in a suicide attempt, hospitalization, intense group therapy, individual psychotherapy, and, ultimately, I agreed to try Electro Convulsive Therapy, which has worked incredibly well for my particular situation. I’ve also had a great deal of experience with dealing with the inner workings of medical insurance with regard to mental health coverage, and have successfully gotten that coverage expanded for my own mental healthcare needs. I believe this background does make me a good candidate to work with other consumers in the mental health field, as, in my opinion, there is no better experience than personal experience. That personal experience also helps the consumer relate to, and trust the provider. I know first-hand you cannot “snap out of mental health issues” or “shake off mental illness”…it takes work, support and persistence to make strides towards recovery.
2. A) What does recovery mean to you?
To me, recovery means understanding your mental illness and the treatment options that are currently available, realizing you have to power to control and minimize some, if not all, of the symptoms, maintaining your medical and mental health treatment, and working closely and honestly with your providers and those that are supportive. It also means working towards getting past the stigma of being diagnosed with a mental illness, “owning” it and learning to work with it, not against it. Recovery also means finding and utilizing different support mechanisms. To me, that is a critical part of recovery, as that will help maintain the recovery. Hopefully, recovery would eventually mean accepting your illness and understanding that while care is necessary, it doesn’t “define” the person who has been diagnosed. Bipolar and depression are manageable; knowing and understanding that is a large part of the recovery process.
B) What were/are important factors in your own recovery?
There are many factors that are so important in my own recovery. My family’s support and understanding, their willingness to attend doctor’s appointments and therapy with me; my husband’s unwavering support; not giving up on finding the proper treatment that works specifically for me and my needs and body; finding a psychiatrist and psychotherapist that work for me and my personality – doctors that I’m comfortable with and whom I trust implicitly. Taking my medications on time, keeping my ECT appointments which are currently once per months, being honest about how I’m feeling with my doctors and family, keeping stressors to a minimum, as I know they are triggers for my bipolar disorder, and conducting my own DBSA support groups has also been extremely instrumental in my recovery. Having been through so much, it’s very helpful to me to use that information to help others.
C) What types of experiences have you had in assisting, or advocating for, consumers of mental health services (for example, support group leadership, self-advocacy, public testimony, programs you started, etc.)? Please be specific.
While hospitalized I interacted closely with several patients in my group settings; I have spoken out publically on as many occasions as possible – never shying away from talking about my own personal experience and trying to reduce the stigma afflicting those suffering with mental illness; I have started two support groups through the DBSA which are going very well, one is in a smaller town, Kingwood WV, and the other is in a more metropolitan area, Morgantown, WV. I hope to begin speaking at high schools next year about mental health awareness in an effort to reduce the stigma and begin tackling how mental illness is perceived at an earlier age so it doesn’t manifest itself as the children grow into adulthood. There is power in knowledge in my opinion. I have given public testimony in my church and at my supports groups. I’m also considering working towards taking one of my dogs to therapy school in the hopes of visiting the local mental health facilities in this area. I remember working with a therapy dog at Chestnut Ridge in Morgantown WV, and it was incredible…dogs don’t judge, or care if you’re bipolar or depressed, they just love unconditionally.
3. A) Do you currently hold a position where you will use the skills gained through Peer Specialist training and certification? I am currently a member of the Red Cross and have started two DBSA support groups. I would hope to use the skills gained to assist those in my groups as well as aid in helping those going through disasters and/or the emergency/aid personnel assisting with disaster relief. I do not receive pay for these positions.
B) Are you a current candidate for a position where you will use the skills gained through Peer Specialist training and certification? No, I am not currently a candidate for a position where I would use the skills gained through Peer Specialist training and certification.
See attached Application.
Thank you,
Shawn Rhenae Graham
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Testimony
Hi Everyone,
Today Charlie and I joined our church here in Kingwood and as part of that ceremony we were offered the opportunity to give a testimony about what lead us to God, lead us astray, miracles we have witnessed...
I'm not really one to speak about personal things in front of a large crowd of people who are mostly unfamiliar to me, as we attend the smaller, 8:30am service, but I was truly lead to speak and as it turned out it really opened to "gates" and got the ball rolling so to speak. I never realized how important testimony is - not only on a church level but also a personal level until today, and it was truly amazing! Following is my testimony that I gave in church today....
"As some of you may know, the past year and half have been very difficult for my husband, for my family and for me on many different levels, but through these difficulties I have found mercy, grace, forgiveness and God’s healing power in so many places...
In the beginning I ignored, and lost sight of what God was trying to do through me, much like someone climbing a mountain…you can focus on how far you have left to go, how each step can be precarious, or you can look up and realize you are one step closer to the summit and while you might stumble, or tire, God’s grace and forgiveness awaits you. It always has…
The first time I mustered up the courage to come into our church, with my head hung rather low I started to take a seat in the back pew…that’s when a very wise man, who happens to be my husband, looked at me and knowing I typically like to sit in the front..said “why are you sitting in the back?” …I said, well, I’m a sinner and I would imagine sinners would sit in the back. He looked at me and said - everyone in here is a sinner, that’s why we have God, and with that we moved to the front.
I would like to thank all of you for making me feel so welcome and I’d like to say thank you to Pastor Jenny and my husband for tirelessly answering all of my theological questions and to my Mother and sister for all they have done to not only help me heal on a physical and emotional and mental level, but also for their help in leading me up the mountain.
It always seemed my heart had a vacant spot in it…now I know why and it feels so good to have a heart occupied by God."
Today Charlie and I joined our church here in Kingwood and as part of that ceremony we were offered the opportunity to give a testimony about what lead us to God, lead us astray, miracles we have witnessed...
I'm not really one to speak about personal things in front of a large crowd of people who are mostly unfamiliar to me, as we attend the smaller, 8:30am service, but I was truly lead to speak and as it turned out it really opened to "gates" and got the ball rolling so to speak. I never realized how important testimony is - not only on a church level but also a personal level until today, and it was truly amazing! Following is my testimony that I gave in church today....
"As some of you may know, the past year and half have been very difficult for my husband, for my family and for me on many different levels, but through these difficulties I have found mercy, grace, forgiveness and God’s healing power in so many places...
In the beginning I ignored, and lost sight of what God was trying to do through me, much like someone climbing a mountain…you can focus on how far you have left to go, how each step can be precarious, or you can look up and realize you are one step closer to the summit and while you might stumble, or tire, God’s grace and forgiveness awaits you. It always has…
The first time I mustered up the courage to come into our church, with my head hung rather low I started to take a seat in the back pew…that’s when a very wise man, who happens to be my husband, looked at me and knowing I typically like to sit in the front..said “why are you sitting in the back?” …I said, well, I’m a sinner and I would imagine sinners would sit in the back. He looked at me and said - everyone in here is a sinner, that’s why we have God, and with that we moved to the front.
I would like to thank all of you for making me feel so welcome and I’d like to say thank you to Pastor Jenny and my husband for tirelessly answering all of my theological questions and to my Mother and sister for all they have done to not only help me heal on a physical and emotional and mental level, but also for their help in leading me up the mountain.
It always seemed my heart had a vacant spot in it…now I know why and it feels so good to have a heart occupied by God."
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Gaining Strength
Hi Everyone!
Thought I would take a moment to share an update...
The ECT treatments are still on-going, about one every 4 weeks. I would love to say that I don't think I need them anymore, but honestly I know that I do and I know they help tremendously. I can feel the difference, which is hard to describe - but it's as if the storm in my mind calms. It clearly works for me, and for that I am so thankful.
Continuing psychotherapy once a week with Dr. Allen, there is a great comfort level with him which makes talking and healing that much easier...psychotherapy is a lot of work which I enjoy. It's nice to feel as though I'm actively participating in my own recovery.
Probably the most exciting news is that we (Charlie and I) had our first Depressions Bipolar Support Alliance meeting. We started a chapter in Preston County that meets at the Wesley United Methodist Church the 1st and 3rd Tuesday of each month. We are now starting a Morgantown chapter which will meet on the 2nd and 4th Tuesday of the month. We both brought a lot to the meeting - of course from different perspectives and it went very well.
I feel like things are coming full circle - the hurt, the pain - all the suffering for so many years is coming full circle and helping others - God works in wondrous ways!
I still don't know the path I will be given the next few months, however, I do know that regardless of the path, it will lead to the same place and I will have continue to try to help others deal with mental health issues..and to raise awareness!
God Bless,
Shawn
Thought I would take a moment to share an update...
The ECT treatments are still on-going, about one every 4 weeks. I would love to say that I don't think I need them anymore, but honestly I know that I do and I know they help tremendously. I can feel the difference, which is hard to describe - but it's as if the storm in my mind calms. It clearly works for me, and for that I am so thankful.
Continuing psychotherapy once a week with Dr. Allen, there is a great comfort level with him which makes talking and healing that much easier...psychotherapy is a lot of work which I enjoy. It's nice to feel as though I'm actively participating in my own recovery.
Probably the most exciting news is that we (Charlie and I) had our first Depressions Bipolar Support Alliance meeting. We started a chapter in Preston County that meets at the Wesley United Methodist Church the 1st and 3rd Tuesday of each month. We are now starting a Morgantown chapter which will meet on the 2nd and 4th Tuesday of the month. We both brought a lot to the meeting - of course from different perspectives and it went very well.
I feel like things are coming full circle - the hurt, the pain - all the suffering for so many years is coming full circle and helping others - God works in wondrous ways!
I still don't know the path I will be given the next few months, however, I do know that regardless of the path, it will lead to the same place and I will have continue to try to help others deal with mental health issues..and to raise awareness!
God Bless,
Shawn
Monday, March 29, 2010
Good News!
As promised...a follow-up after meeting my new Psychologist for the first time!
I'm thrilled to let everyone know that I really like my new doctor and felt that all important "click" right away. It was as if it was meant to be...easy to talk to, but at the same time it really seemed like he truly cared and he gave me great feedback and we actually have a plan! I've never really participated in intense psychotherapy (talk therapy) before, and I'm looking forward to it...although it's also somewhat scary, I'm certain it won't be easy and I know I will have A LOT of work to do between appointments.
One of the most ironic things is that he is located at the Morgantown Pastoral Psychological Center..so, I really didn't know what his approach would be and I was quite hesitant and nervous. But, I put my faith in the Lord and wow, I was so amazed...with the doctor of course, but more importantly with how God provided him to me. It was through some pretty miraculous means that I ended up even knowing he existed.
I've also been trying to work through some of the depression I've been struggling with..doing more around the house, walking the dogs (or rather them walking me)..still a work in progress, but it's a start and that's a great thing.
Preparing for Jordan's departure on Wed. We leave for Williamstown tomorrow to spend the evening with him and then go to his departure ceremony on Wed. morning. Fortunately I see my new doctor the day after, so I'm hoping and praying that with his help and the help of my family and friends I'll be able to keep from back-sliding too much. Grief and stress play such a huge role in Bipolar Disorder..so I will need to be very aware!
Will check back in after Wed. Hope everyone stays healthy..mentally and physically!!
God Bless,
Shawn
I'm thrilled to let everyone know that I really like my new doctor and felt that all important "click" right away. It was as if it was meant to be...easy to talk to, but at the same time it really seemed like he truly cared and he gave me great feedback and we actually have a plan! I've never really participated in intense psychotherapy (talk therapy) before, and I'm looking forward to it...although it's also somewhat scary, I'm certain it won't be easy and I know I will have A LOT of work to do between appointments.
One of the most ironic things is that he is located at the Morgantown Pastoral Psychological Center..so, I really didn't know what his approach would be and I was quite hesitant and nervous. But, I put my faith in the Lord and wow, I was so amazed...with the doctor of course, but more importantly with how God provided him to me. It was through some pretty miraculous means that I ended up even knowing he existed.
I've also been trying to work through some of the depression I've been struggling with..doing more around the house, walking the dogs (or rather them walking me)..still a work in progress, but it's a start and that's a great thing.
Preparing for Jordan's departure on Wed. We leave for Williamstown tomorrow to spend the evening with him and then go to his departure ceremony on Wed. morning. Fortunately I see my new doctor the day after, so I'm hoping and praying that with his help and the help of my family and friends I'll be able to keep from back-sliding too much. Grief and stress play such a huge role in Bipolar Disorder..so I will need to be very aware!
Will check back in after Wed. Hope everyone stays healthy..mentally and physically!!
God Bless,
Shawn
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Tough Times!
Once again I have neglected this page for far too long...seems to be a pattern that I'm hoping to break.
The past month has been tough to say the least. Right now I feel like I'm in a pretty deep depression and I'm having a hard time shaking it off. It's hard to explain to people who have never experienced depression at that level, or Bipolar symptoms. It's as if my inside is shattering like a crack in a windshield that keeps getting bigger and bigger with every bump I hit...same with life.
I have had to change doctors, which is so stressful. My last new psychiatrist that took the place of my doctor who moved away let us know that he didn't "believe" in ECT treatments and, as a result, wouldn't write prescriptions for them. It seems, in the medical world, that there is a clear divide....psychiatrists either believe strongly in ECT, or they don't believe or support it at all. Of course thats really all that has worked for me, so it was imperative that I find a doctor that believed in the one treatment that helps stabalize me. I would suggest to everyone out there...don't give up searching..ask LOTS of questions and you will find a doctor that is a "fit" for you and your condition.
To make matters worse we were snowed-in here in Kingwood for over a month and that made travelling to my psychologist impossible for several weeks. And, the last time I met with her one-on-one she seemed "checked-out"...as if her mind was not with me. It was so hard to sit there and try to talk to her when I felt like she wasn't listening/hearing anything I was saying. The group sessions have really turned into chat-fests, which I like to an extent, but not driving an hour and half each way to spend two hours "catching up." So, the search was on for a new psychologist which I so desperately need.
I found a couple and today I will see one of them and hopefully it will be a fit...there is so much happening right now I feel like I really need to be talking to a professional on a regular basis. I can talk to Charlie and of course my family and they help in so many ways, but they are not "trained" in the field. Sometimes you can't just "shake it off" or "stop worrying, it will be alright" or "think about all the good things"....you get the idea.
Right now it's literally a struggle for me to get off the sofa and go brush my teeth, which is so hard to admit to, but I promised to be honest in this blog and there it is. A shower is a chore. Tears flow, and flow, and flow. I feel tremendous amount of guilt right now and sorrow...and shame. Bad combination to say the least.
Of course Jordan is preparing to leave on March 31st for Ft. Hood Texas and then off to Afghanistan and that is hitting me like a ton of bricks. Of course I'm worried about his safety, but I'm also worried about not having him to reach out to when I need to hear his voice or to make me laugh. Regardless of how I'm feeling, he has always been able to make me laugh. And, he's brutally honest. Emphasis on BRUTAL!
So, currently, in addition to looking for doctors and waiting, waiting, waiting on appointments, I have been trying to think about what makes me "happy," and what I "enjoy." Unfortunately the list is short right now and I know that is not normal for me....so, it's time to get some serious help.
Wish me luck! I will check back in after my 1st meeting with the new doctor today.
God Bless,
Shawn
The past month has been tough to say the least. Right now I feel like I'm in a pretty deep depression and I'm having a hard time shaking it off. It's hard to explain to people who have never experienced depression at that level, or Bipolar symptoms. It's as if my inside is shattering like a crack in a windshield that keeps getting bigger and bigger with every bump I hit...same with life.
I have had to change doctors, which is so stressful. My last new psychiatrist that took the place of my doctor who moved away let us know that he didn't "believe" in ECT treatments and, as a result, wouldn't write prescriptions for them. It seems, in the medical world, that there is a clear divide....psychiatrists either believe strongly in ECT, or they don't believe or support it at all. Of course thats really all that has worked for me, so it was imperative that I find a doctor that believed in the one treatment that helps stabalize me. I would suggest to everyone out there...don't give up searching..ask LOTS of questions and you will find a doctor that is a "fit" for you and your condition.
To make matters worse we were snowed-in here in Kingwood for over a month and that made travelling to my psychologist impossible for several weeks. And, the last time I met with her one-on-one she seemed "checked-out"...as if her mind was not with me. It was so hard to sit there and try to talk to her when I felt like she wasn't listening/hearing anything I was saying. The group sessions have really turned into chat-fests, which I like to an extent, but not driving an hour and half each way to spend two hours "catching up." So, the search was on for a new psychologist which I so desperately need.
I found a couple and today I will see one of them and hopefully it will be a fit...there is so much happening right now I feel like I really need to be talking to a professional on a regular basis. I can talk to Charlie and of course my family and they help in so many ways, but they are not "trained" in the field. Sometimes you can't just "shake it off" or "stop worrying, it will be alright" or "think about all the good things"....you get the idea.
Right now it's literally a struggle for me to get off the sofa and go brush my teeth, which is so hard to admit to, but I promised to be honest in this blog and there it is. A shower is a chore. Tears flow, and flow, and flow. I feel tremendous amount of guilt right now and sorrow...and shame. Bad combination to say the least.
Of course Jordan is preparing to leave on March 31st for Ft. Hood Texas and then off to Afghanistan and that is hitting me like a ton of bricks. Of course I'm worried about his safety, but I'm also worried about not having him to reach out to when I need to hear his voice or to make me laugh. Regardless of how I'm feeling, he has always been able to make me laugh. And, he's brutally honest. Emphasis on BRUTAL!
So, currently, in addition to looking for doctors and waiting, waiting, waiting on appointments, I have been trying to think about what makes me "happy," and what I "enjoy." Unfortunately the list is short right now and I know that is not normal for me....so, it's time to get some serious help.
Wish me luck! I will check back in after my 1st meeting with the new doctor today.
God Bless,
Shawn
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Don't Give Up!
I have neglected my blog for far too long, now there is so much I want to talk about I'm going to have to pace myself :)
The last few weeks in church have been, well, "revolutionary" for me. It seems as if each Sunday's sermon is somehow directed straight towards me and my (and my family's) situation. This past Sunday Rev. Jenny talked about Jesus' journey towards his impending death...he knew he was going to be humiliated, tortured, spat upon, ridiculed, and ultimately executed...yet he also knew that from that would come something so good and so wonderful that is defies description - so he walked forth - shoulders back, head held high..
A few days before Sunday Service I had told Charlie that I can feel something good is going to come from all that I (and we) are going through. The road we are traveling right now is scarey, the destination is unknown at the moment, just my medical treatment alone is frightening to say the least. But, I know in my heart of hearts that there is a reason...I can feel it just as sure as I'm sitting here breathing.
With that in mind, and with the continued support of my husband, family, friends, community, doctors,...I too am going to hold my head up high and throw my shoulders back and walk forward (even though it's terrifying). And while I might be terrified I know there is a bigger, grander plan..and that will come. God will see to it.
Sometimes you have to go through all the "bad" to see what is real, what is important, and where your gifts are...to see God's plan for you. That's becoming much clearer to me with each passing day.
I don't believe in luck. I believe in God. God led me to my church, which has proven itself to be a perfect fit. God has given my husband and family and friends the help they have needed to deal with my condition and treatment...and "uncertain" future.
I asked Charlie yesterday coming home from my Support Group something about prayer and he quoted the Bible - I, of course, cannot remember the quote - but it was to the effect of never ceasing to pray and God will answer. So I told him that I have prayed...and prayed, but I don't "hear" God "answering" me. Charlie (I just love him!) said, "You're not listening." Those 3 little words meant so much - he's right. My mind is so full of worry, and far too many other things to list that it would be impossible to hear anything.
God wants us to pray without ceasing and to listen...really listen. As I walk forward towards the unknown, towards that which is frightening, that is what I intend to do...
God Bless,
Shawn
The last few weeks in church have been, well, "revolutionary" for me. It seems as if each Sunday's sermon is somehow directed straight towards me and my (and my family's) situation. This past Sunday Rev. Jenny talked about Jesus' journey towards his impending death...he knew he was going to be humiliated, tortured, spat upon, ridiculed, and ultimately executed...yet he also knew that from that would come something so good and so wonderful that is defies description - so he walked forth - shoulders back, head held high..
A few days before Sunday Service I had told Charlie that I can feel something good is going to come from all that I (and we) are going through. The road we are traveling right now is scarey, the destination is unknown at the moment, just my medical treatment alone is frightening to say the least. But, I know in my heart of hearts that there is a reason...I can feel it just as sure as I'm sitting here breathing.
With that in mind, and with the continued support of my husband, family, friends, community, doctors,...I too am going to hold my head up high and throw my shoulders back and walk forward (even though it's terrifying). And while I might be terrified I know there is a bigger, grander plan..and that will come. God will see to it.
Sometimes you have to go through all the "bad" to see what is real, what is important, and where your gifts are...to see God's plan for you. That's becoming much clearer to me with each passing day.
I don't believe in luck. I believe in God. God led me to my church, which has proven itself to be a perfect fit. God has given my husband and family and friends the help they have needed to deal with my condition and treatment...and "uncertain" future.
I asked Charlie yesterday coming home from my Support Group something about prayer and he quoted the Bible - I, of course, cannot remember the quote - but it was to the effect of never ceasing to pray and God will answer. So I told him that I have prayed...and prayed, but I don't "hear" God "answering" me. Charlie (I just love him!) said, "You're not listening." Those 3 little words meant so much - he's right. My mind is so full of worry, and far too many other things to list that it would be impossible to hear anything.
God wants us to pray without ceasing and to listen...really listen. As I walk forward towards the unknown, towards that which is frightening, that is what I intend to do...
God Bless,
Shawn
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Bucket List!
So for weeks now I've been jotting down things I would like to accomplish at some point in my life. I keep losing my lists and, of course, forgetting them (thankyou ECT treatments for the memory loss)...so I've decided to make a "Bucket List" and just add to it as I think of things. It's pretty cool to actually write them down and go back and look at them, and motivating. If you don't have a Bucket List you might want to consider doing one for yourself! Here goes...and these are not necessarily in order of importance!
1. Learn to scuba dive
2. Take up swimming again
3. Learn a lot more about US history - my lack of knowledge there is, frankly, embarrasing
4. Run in a marathon - hopefully one that raises money for mental health causes
5. Exercise at least 3 times a week
6. Run at least 3 times a week
7. Write a book
8. Start a Bipolar Support Group in Kingwood
9. Go on a cruise
10. Live my life daily with true spiritual meaning
11. Go to Hawaii with Charlie
12. Get my BA
13. Take Charlie to Disney World
14. Go to DC when the Dogwoods bloom
15. Fly in a helicopter
16. Learn, and practice yoga
17. Read at least 15 non-fiction books regarding history in some form
18. Forgive
19. Pray more often and with deeper meaning
20. Make a quilt
21. Knit something
22. Swim with dolphins (again!)
23. Take walks more often
24. Say "God Bless You" to everyone that I hear sneeze
25. Train Hooper to become a Therapy Dog (or, attempt to train him lol)
26. Be a vegatarian for 30 days
27. Become an active member of a Church
28. Learn to work my Ipod and download music
29. Teach Charlie to swim and snow ski
More to follow...
1. Learn to scuba dive
2. Take up swimming again
3. Learn a lot more about US history - my lack of knowledge there is, frankly, embarrasing
4. Run in a marathon - hopefully one that raises money for mental health causes
5. Exercise at least 3 times a week
6. Run at least 3 times a week
7. Write a book
8. Start a Bipolar Support Group in Kingwood
9. Go on a cruise
10. Live my life daily with true spiritual meaning
11. Go to Hawaii with Charlie
12. Get my BA
13. Take Charlie to Disney World
14. Go to DC when the Dogwoods bloom
15. Fly in a helicopter
16. Learn, and practice yoga
17. Read at least 15 non-fiction books regarding history in some form
18. Forgive
19. Pray more often and with deeper meaning
20. Make a quilt
21. Knit something
22. Swim with dolphins (again!)
23. Take walks more often
24. Say "God Bless You" to everyone that I hear sneeze
25. Train Hooper to become a Therapy Dog (or, attempt to train him lol)
26. Be a vegatarian for 30 days
27. Become an active member of a Church
28. Learn to work my Ipod and download music
29. Teach Charlie to swim and snow ski
More to follow...
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Is It Worth It?
So I was talking to my wonderful, hysterical mother this morning and I was telling her about a conversation I had with Jordan (my son) last night in which Jordan told me something I had done that the ECT treatments made me forget.
The ECT treatments cause an incredible amount of forgetfulness...I have lost enormous amounts of my memories, large and small. Most of mine tend not to come back even when my family "reminds" me of the event...it's just gone...and that can be very sad and oh so frustrating! Apparently the memory loss varies from person to person..and it hits me pretty hard.
So my Mom and I were talking about this and she said "is it worth it?" I really had to stop and think about it - our lives are about creating memories - that's the basis of so much of what we do. We look at photos to take us back to those memories...so many conversations are based on shared memories..but, I conceded that even though the memory loss is tragic - the good that the treatments do still out-weighs the sadness of the memory loss - or, trust me, I wouldn't go through it.
I thank God everyday that my family and friends are so patient - we just make a joke out of it and they know they will have to remind me again and again...On the upside you can tell me the same joke over and over or the same story and I never tire of it!!! :)
Group therapy tomorrow - the beginning of a very busy week.
God Bless!
The ECT treatments cause an incredible amount of forgetfulness...I have lost enormous amounts of my memories, large and small. Most of mine tend not to come back even when my family "reminds" me of the event...it's just gone...and that can be very sad and oh so frustrating! Apparently the memory loss varies from person to person..and it hits me pretty hard.
So my Mom and I were talking about this and she said "is it worth it?" I really had to stop and think about it - our lives are about creating memories - that's the basis of so much of what we do. We look at photos to take us back to those memories...so many conversations are based on shared memories..but, I conceded that even though the memory loss is tragic - the good that the treatments do still out-weighs the sadness of the memory loss - or, trust me, I wouldn't go through it.
I thank God everyday that my family and friends are so patient - we just make a joke out of it and they know they will have to remind me again and again...On the upside you can tell me the same joke over and over or the same story and I never tire of it!!! :)
Group therapy tomorrow - the beginning of a very busy week.
God Bless!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Just Thinking...
So..I have neglected my page for several days! I had surgery on my foot and have been recovering a little slower than I had hoped/expected.
Two weeks ago I mustered up the courage to go to church by myself and it was wonderful, the message was very relevant. Then last weekend Charlie went with me and again it was fantastic and he really enjoyed it too. I feel very comfortable there, and am looking forward to hopefully becoming a member and learning all I can! I met with the Minister and she gave me a couple of wonderful books to help me on my journey.
I have had two appointments with my new psychiatrist...apparently I am the only one in our group who like him :)
He's very funny...in a Mr. Rogers sort of way and has a very dry sense of humor. Seems good at his job and that's what really matters.
A new med has been added to my regimine - it's called Deplin.. This is kind of confusing..it's not really a drug..more of a supplement, but you have to have a prescription for it and insurance won't cover it. I was given samples by my Dr. and it's supposed to enhance the performance of your antidepressent. It really seems to me helping in that regard - no side effects to report.
In the past week I found out in very interesting ways that two people in different areas of my life are afflicted with bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder. Sadly, like me, they don't want anyone to know who they are because of the stigma associated with mental illness. I really feel that God intervened and had a hand in my finding out..I'm hoping that I can help these people some way in the future..even if it's just lending an ear from time to time. I'm feeling very pulled spiritually and that is an awesome feeling!
We welcomed a new granddaughter this past Saturday. We went to see her Monday evening and it was wonderful. Charlie's sons are having a hard time coping with what I'm going through, but I think we are making progress...and that's a prayer answered!
Next week is my forensic evaluation...I really don't know what to expect with that and am a bit nervous. There is so much I can't remember due to the ECT treatments I'm afraid a lot of my answers will be "I don't know" or "I can't remember" so please keep me in your prayers...
Last night I woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep...I laid there and looked at Charlie and thought about how deep my love is for him. I am so blessed.
Until next time.....
God Bless!
Two weeks ago I mustered up the courage to go to church by myself and it was wonderful, the message was very relevant. Then last weekend Charlie went with me and again it was fantastic and he really enjoyed it too. I feel very comfortable there, and am looking forward to hopefully becoming a member and learning all I can! I met with the Minister and she gave me a couple of wonderful books to help me on my journey.
I have had two appointments with my new psychiatrist...apparently I am the only one in our group who like him :)
He's very funny...in a Mr. Rogers sort of way and has a very dry sense of humor. Seems good at his job and that's what really matters.
A new med has been added to my regimine - it's called Deplin.. This is kind of confusing..it's not really a drug..more of a supplement, but you have to have a prescription for it and insurance won't cover it. I was given samples by my Dr. and it's supposed to enhance the performance of your antidepressent. It really seems to me helping in that regard - no side effects to report.
In the past week I found out in very interesting ways that two people in different areas of my life are afflicted with bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder. Sadly, like me, they don't want anyone to know who they are because of the stigma associated with mental illness. I really feel that God intervened and had a hand in my finding out..I'm hoping that I can help these people some way in the future..even if it's just lending an ear from time to time. I'm feeling very pulled spiritually and that is an awesome feeling!
We welcomed a new granddaughter this past Saturday. We went to see her Monday evening and it was wonderful. Charlie's sons are having a hard time coping with what I'm going through, but I think we are making progress...and that's a prayer answered!
Next week is my forensic evaluation...I really don't know what to expect with that and am a bit nervous. There is so much I can't remember due to the ECT treatments I'm afraid a lot of my answers will be "I don't know" or "I can't remember" so please keep me in your prayers...
Last night I woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep...I laid there and looked at Charlie and thought about how deep my love is for him. I am so blessed.
Until next time.....
God Bless!
Monday, January 11, 2010
New Doctor!
I'm off the Philippi in a few minutes for group and to meet my new Psychiatrist for the first time. Changing doctors is always so difficult...sitting down with a complete stranger and re-telling your life story for the ump-teenth time is taxing. I'm a little concerned because I had an ECT treatment just 3 days ago - so I'm hoping my memory will be intact enough that I can answer his questions and provide important information with a clear mind! I would settle for even somewhat clear...
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Forgiveness
As the first posting to my new blog, I'm sure I will need to be careful to not be too long-winded...this coming from the woman who writes the 4 page Christmas letter!
I have had so many years of treatments (successful and failures), have read so much information on my own, have been hospitalized 5 times and tried to committ suicide 6 times - it's difficult to know where to start. But I do know something that's entirely different now...I have hope.
My hope has come from a combination of places including ECT treatments, my family, my husband, my son, medication, individual therapy, group therapy, inpatient treatment, and God...not necessarily in that order!
I would love nothing more than for this blog to help even one person who is struggling with mental illness. It's so easy to end up feeling alone, broken, shameful, and as if people close to you might be better off without you..mental illness does not have to define you!
For years I have let Bipolar Disorder define who I am as a person, and unfortunately I tend to not make the best decisions when I'm manic (understatement!) I am currently dealing with legal issues that are a result of my chosing to ignore my illness. It's so easy to stop treatment because you "feel better" when, in fact, feeling that good is a sign of mania.
Currently I see a Psychiatrist, Psychologist (individually and in group), I take Lexapro, and receive ECT treatments once every three weeks. The ECT treatments have helped tremendously...and those along with the support from my husband and family have helped me to finally feel as though I can manage my illness and still be loved. I'm finally facing the shame I have felt head-on and am hoping to work my way through those feelings.
For those of you following this blog - thank you! I appreciate your time and any comments or suggestions!
I have had so many years of treatments (successful and failures), have read so much information on my own, have been hospitalized 5 times and tried to committ suicide 6 times - it's difficult to know where to start. But I do know something that's entirely different now...I have hope.
My hope has come from a combination of places including ECT treatments, my family, my husband, my son, medication, individual therapy, group therapy, inpatient treatment, and God...not necessarily in that order!
I would love nothing more than for this blog to help even one person who is struggling with mental illness. It's so easy to end up feeling alone, broken, shameful, and as if people close to you might be better off without you..mental illness does not have to define you!
For years I have let Bipolar Disorder define who I am as a person, and unfortunately I tend to not make the best decisions when I'm manic (understatement!) I am currently dealing with legal issues that are a result of my chosing to ignore my illness. It's so easy to stop treatment because you "feel better" when, in fact, feeling that good is a sign of mania.
Currently I see a Psychiatrist, Psychologist (individually and in group), I take Lexapro, and receive ECT treatments once every three weeks. The ECT treatments have helped tremendously...and those along with the support from my husband and family have helped me to finally feel as though I can manage my illness and still be loved. I'm finally facing the shame I have felt head-on and am hoping to work my way through those feelings.
For those of you following this blog - thank you! I appreciate your time and any comments or suggestions!
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