Tough Times!

Once again I have neglected this page for far too long...seems to be a pattern that I'm hoping to break. 

The past month has been tough to say the least.  Right now I feel like I'm in a pretty deep depression and I'm having a hard time shaking it off.  It's hard to explain to people who have never experienced depression at that level, or Bipolar symptoms.  It's as if my inside is shattering like a crack in a windshield that keeps getting bigger and bigger with every bump I hit...same with life.

I have had to change doctors, which is so stressful.  My last new psychiatrist that took the place of my doctor who moved away let us know that he didn't "believe" in ECT treatments and, as a result, wouldn't write prescriptions for them.  It seems, in the medical world, that there is a clear divide....psychiatrists either believe strongly in ECT, or they don't believe or support it at all.  Of course thats really all that has worked for me, so it was imperative that I find a doctor that believed in the one treatment that helps stabalize me.  I would suggest to everyone out there...don't give up searching..ask LOTS of questions and you will find a doctor that is a "fit" for you and your condition.

To make matters worse we were snowed-in here in Kingwood for over a month and that made travelling to my psychologist impossible for several weeks.  And, the last time I met with her one-on-one she seemed "checked-out"...as if her mind was not with me.  It was so hard to sit there and try to talk to her when I felt like she wasn't listening/hearing anything I was saying.  The group sessions have really turned into chat-fests, which I like to an extent, but not driving an hour and half each way to spend two hours "catching up."  So, the search was on for a new psychologist which I so desperately need. 

I found a couple and today I will see one of them and hopefully it will be a fit...there is so much happening right now I feel like I really need to be talking to a professional on a regular basis.  I can talk to Charlie and of course my family and they help in so many ways, but they are not "trained" in the field.  Sometimes you can't just "shake it off" or "stop worrying, it will be alright" or "think about all the good things"....you get the idea.

Right now it's literally a struggle for me to get off the sofa and go brush my teeth, which is so hard to admit to, but I promised to be honest in this blog and there it is.  A shower is a chore.  Tears flow, and flow, and flow.  I feel tremendous amount of guilt right now and sorrow...and shame.  Bad combination to say the least.

Of course Jordan is preparing to leave on March 31st for Ft. Hood Texas and then off to Afghanistan and that is hitting me like a ton of bricks.  Of course I'm worried about his safety, but I'm also worried about not having him to reach out to when I need to hear his voice or to make me laugh.  Regardless of how I'm feeling, he has always been able to make me laugh. And, he's brutally honest.  Emphasis on BRUTAL!

So, currently, in addition to looking for doctors and waiting, waiting, waiting on appointments, I have been trying to think about what makes me "happy," and what I "enjoy."  Unfortunately the list is short right now and I know that is not normal for me....so, it's time to get some serious help.

Wish me luck!  I will check back in after my 1st meeting with the new doctor today.

God Bless,
Shawn