I have neglected my blog for far too long, now there is so much I want to talk about I'm going to have to pace myself :)
The last few weeks in church have been, well, "revolutionary" for me. It seems as if each Sunday's sermon is somehow directed straight towards me and my (and my family's) situation. This past Sunday Rev. Jenny talked about Jesus' journey towards his impending death...he knew he was going to be humiliated, tortured, spat upon, ridiculed, and ultimately executed...yet he also knew that from that would come something so good and so wonderful that is defies description - so he walked forth - shoulders back, head held high..
A few days before Sunday Service I had told Charlie that I can feel something good is going to come from all that I (and we) are going through. The road we are traveling right now is scarey, the destination is unknown at the moment, just my medical treatment alone is frightening to say the least. But, I know in my heart of hearts that there is a reason...I can feel it just as sure as I'm sitting here breathing.
With that in mind, and with the continued support of my husband, family, friends, community, doctors,...I too am going to hold my head up high and throw my shoulders back and walk forward (even though it's terrifying). And while I might be terrified I know there is a bigger, grander plan..and that will come. God will see to it.
Sometimes you have to go through all the "bad" to see what is real, what is important, and where your gifts are...to see God's plan for you. That's becoming much clearer to me with each passing day.
I don't believe in luck. I believe in God. God led me to my church, which has proven itself to be a perfect fit. God has given my husband and family and friends the help they have needed to deal with my condition and treatment...and "uncertain" future.
I asked Charlie yesterday coming home from my Support Group something about prayer and he quoted the Bible - I, of course, cannot remember the quote - but it was to the effect of never ceasing to pray and God will answer. So I told him that I have prayed...and prayed, but I don't "hear" God "answering" me. Charlie (I just love him!) said, "You're not listening." Those 3 little words meant so much - he's right. My mind is so full of worry, and far too many other things to list that it would be impossible to hear anything.
God wants us to pray without ceasing and to listen...really listen. As I walk forward towards the unknown, towards that which is frightening, that is what I intend to do...
God Bless,
Shawn
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Bucket List!
So for weeks now I've been jotting down things I would like to accomplish at some point in my life. I keep losing my lists and, of course, forgetting them (thankyou ECT treatments for the memory loss)...so I've decided to make a "Bucket List" and just add to it as I think of things. It's pretty cool to actually write them down and go back and look at them, and motivating. If you don't have a Bucket List you might want to consider doing one for yourself! Here goes...and these are not necessarily in order of importance!
1. Learn to scuba dive
2. Take up swimming again
3. Learn a lot more about US history - my lack of knowledge there is, frankly, embarrasing
4. Run in a marathon - hopefully one that raises money for mental health causes
5. Exercise at least 3 times a week
6. Run at least 3 times a week
7. Write a book
8. Start a Bipolar Support Group in Kingwood
9. Go on a cruise
10. Live my life daily with true spiritual meaning
11. Go to Hawaii with Charlie
12. Get my BA
13. Take Charlie to Disney World
14. Go to DC when the Dogwoods bloom
15. Fly in a helicopter
16. Learn, and practice yoga
17. Read at least 15 non-fiction books regarding history in some form
18. Forgive
19. Pray more often and with deeper meaning
20. Make a quilt
21. Knit something
22. Swim with dolphins (again!)
23. Take walks more often
24. Say "God Bless You" to everyone that I hear sneeze
25. Train Hooper to become a Therapy Dog (or, attempt to train him lol)
26. Be a vegatarian for 30 days
27. Become an active member of a Church
28. Learn to work my Ipod and download music
29. Teach Charlie to swim and snow ski
More to follow...
1. Learn to scuba dive
2. Take up swimming again
3. Learn a lot more about US history - my lack of knowledge there is, frankly, embarrasing
4. Run in a marathon - hopefully one that raises money for mental health causes
5. Exercise at least 3 times a week
6. Run at least 3 times a week
7. Write a book
8. Start a Bipolar Support Group in Kingwood
9. Go on a cruise
10. Live my life daily with true spiritual meaning
11. Go to Hawaii with Charlie
12. Get my BA
13. Take Charlie to Disney World
14. Go to DC when the Dogwoods bloom
15. Fly in a helicopter
16. Learn, and practice yoga
17. Read at least 15 non-fiction books regarding history in some form
18. Forgive
19. Pray more often and with deeper meaning
20. Make a quilt
21. Knit something
22. Swim with dolphins (again!)
23. Take walks more often
24. Say "God Bless You" to everyone that I hear sneeze
25. Train Hooper to become a Therapy Dog (or, attempt to train him lol)
26. Be a vegatarian for 30 days
27. Become an active member of a Church
28. Learn to work my Ipod and download music
29. Teach Charlie to swim and snow ski
More to follow...
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Is It Worth It?
So I was talking to my wonderful, hysterical mother this morning and I was telling her about a conversation I had with Jordan (my son) last night in which Jordan told me something I had done that the ECT treatments made me forget.
The ECT treatments cause an incredible amount of forgetfulness...I have lost enormous amounts of my memories, large and small. Most of mine tend not to come back even when my family "reminds" me of the event...it's just gone...and that can be very sad and oh so frustrating! Apparently the memory loss varies from person to person..and it hits me pretty hard.
So my Mom and I were talking about this and she said "is it worth it?" I really had to stop and think about it - our lives are about creating memories - that's the basis of so much of what we do. We look at photos to take us back to those memories...so many conversations are based on shared memories..but, I conceded that even though the memory loss is tragic - the good that the treatments do still out-weighs the sadness of the memory loss - or, trust me, I wouldn't go through it.
I thank God everyday that my family and friends are so patient - we just make a joke out of it and they know they will have to remind me again and again...On the upside you can tell me the same joke over and over or the same story and I never tire of it!!! :)
Group therapy tomorrow - the beginning of a very busy week.
God Bless!
The ECT treatments cause an incredible amount of forgetfulness...I have lost enormous amounts of my memories, large and small. Most of mine tend not to come back even when my family "reminds" me of the event...it's just gone...and that can be very sad and oh so frustrating! Apparently the memory loss varies from person to person..and it hits me pretty hard.
So my Mom and I were talking about this and she said "is it worth it?" I really had to stop and think about it - our lives are about creating memories - that's the basis of so much of what we do. We look at photos to take us back to those memories...so many conversations are based on shared memories..but, I conceded that even though the memory loss is tragic - the good that the treatments do still out-weighs the sadness of the memory loss - or, trust me, I wouldn't go through it.
I thank God everyday that my family and friends are so patient - we just make a joke out of it and they know they will have to remind me again and again...On the upside you can tell me the same joke over and over or the same story and I never tire of it!!! :)
Group therapy tomorrow - the beginning of a very busy week.
God Bless!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Just Thinking...
So..I have neglected my page for several days! I had surgery on my foot and have been recovering a little slower than I had hoped/expected.
Two weeks ago I mustered up the courage to go to church by myself and it was wonderful, the message was very relevant. Then last weekend Charlie went with me and again it was fantastic and he really enjoyed it too. I feel very comfortable there, and am looking forward to hopefully becoming a member and learning all I can! I met with the Minister and she gave me a couple of wonderful books to help me on my journey.
I have had two appointments with my new psychiatrist...apparently I am the only one in our group who like him :)
He's very funny...in a Mr. Rogers sort of way and has a very dry sense of humor. Seems good at his job and that's what really matters.
A new med has been added to my regimine - it's called Deplin.. This is kind of confusing..it's not really a drug..more of a supplement, but you have to have a prescription for it and insurance won't cover it. I was given samples by my Dr. and it's supposed to enhance the performance of your antidepressent. It really seems to me helping in that regard - no side effects to report.
In the past week I found out in very interesting ways that two people in different areas of my life are afflicted with bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder. Sadly, like me, they don't want anyone to know who they are because of the stigma associated with mental illness. I really feel that God intervened and had a hand in my finding out..I'm hoping that I can help these people some way in the future..even if it's just lending an ear from time to time. I'm feeling very pulled spiritually and that is an awesome feeling!
We welcomed a new granddaughter this past Saturday. We went to see her Monday evening and it was wonderful. Charlie's sons are having a hard time coping with what I'm going through, but I think we are making progress...and that's a prayer answered!
Next week is my forensic evaluation...I really don't know what to expect with that and am a bit nervous. There is so much I can't remember due to the ECT treatments I'm afraid a lot of my answers will be "I don't know" or "I can't remember" so please keep me in your prayers...
Last night I woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep...I laid there and looked at Charlie and thought about how deep my love is for him. I am so blessed.
Until next time.....
God Bless!
Two weeks ago I mustered up the courage to go to church by myself and it was wonderful, the message was very relevant. Then last weekend Charlie went with me and again it was fantastic and he really enjoyed it too. I feel very comfortable there, and am looking forward to hopefully becoming a member and learning all I can! I met with the Minister and she gave me a couple of wonderful books to help me on my journey.
I have had two appointments with my new psychiatrist...apparently I am the only one in our group who like him :)
He's very funny...in a Mr. Rogers sort of way and has a very dry sense of humor. Seems good at his job and that's what really matters.
A new med has been added to my regimine - it's called Deplin.. This is kind of confusing..it's not really a drug..more of a supplement, but you have to have a prescription for it and insurance won't cover it. I was given samples by my Dr. and it's supposed to enhance the performance of your antidepressent. It really seems to me helping in that regard - no side effects to report.
In the past week I found out in very interesting ways that two people in different areas of my life are afflicted with bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder. Sadly, like me, they don't want anyone to know who they are because of the stigma associated with mental illness. I really feel that God intervened and had a hand in my finding out..I'm hoping that I can help these people some way in the future..even if it's just lending an ear from time to time. I'm feeling very pulled spiritually and that is an awesome feeling!
We welcomed a new granddaughter this past Saturday. We went to see her Monday evening and it was wonderful. Charlie's sons are having a hard time coping with what I'm going through, but I think we are making progress...and that's a prayer answered!
Next week is my forensic evaluation...I really don't know what to expect with that and am a bit nervous. There is so much I can't remember due to the ECT treatments I'm afraid a lot of my answers will be "I don't know" or "I can't remember" so please keep me in your prayers...
Last night I woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep...I laid there and looked at Charlie and thought about how deep my love is for him. I am so blessed.
Until next time.....
God Bless!
Monday, January 11, 2010
New Doctor!
I'm off the Philippi in a few minutes for group and to meet my new Psychiatrist for the first time. Changing doctors is always so difficult...sitting down with a complete stranger and re-telling your life story for the ump-teenth time is taxing. I'm a little concerned because I had an ECT treatment just 3 days ago - so I'm hoping my memory will be intact enough that I can answer his questions and provide important information with a clear mind! I would settle for even somewhat clear...
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Forgiveness
As the first posting to my new blog, I'm sure I will need to be careful to not be too long-winded...this coming from the woman who writes the 4 page Christmas letter!
I have had so many years of treatments (successful and failures), have read so much information on my own, have been hospitalized 5 times and tried to committ suicide 6 times - it's difficult to know where to start. But I do know something that's entirely different now...I have hope.
My hope has come from a combination of places including ECT treatments, my family, my husband, my son, medication, individual therapy, group therapy, inpatient treatment, and God...not necessarily in that order!
I would love nothing more than for this blog to help even one person who is struggling with mental illness. It's so easy to end up feeling alone, broken, shameful, and as if people close to you might be better off without you..mental illness does not have to define you!
For years I have let Bipolar Disorder define who I am as a person, and unfortunately I tend to not make the best decisions when I'm manic (understatement!) I am currently dealing with legal issues that are a result of my chosing to ignore my illness. It's so easy to stop treatment because you "feel better" when, in fact, feeling that good is a sign of mania.
Currently I see a Psychiatrist, Psychologist (individually and in group), I take Lexapro, and receive ECT treatments once every three weeks. The ECT treatments have helped tremendously...and those along with the support from my husband and family have helped me to finally feel as though I can manage my illness and still be loved. I'm finally facing the shame I have felt head-on and am hoping to work my way through those feelings.
For those of you following this blog - thank you! I appreciate your time and any comments or suggestions!
I have had so many years of treatments (successful and failures), have read so much information on my own, have been hospitalized 5 times and tried to committ suicide 6 times - it's difficult to know where to start. But I do know something that's entirely different now...I have hope.
My hope has come from a combination of places including ECT treatments, my family, my husband, my son, medication, individual therapy, group therapy, inpatient treatment, and God...not necessarily in that order!
I would love nothing more than for this blog to help even one person who is struggling with mental illness. It's so easy to end up feeling alone, broken, shameful, and as if people close to you might be better off without you..mental illness does not have to define you!
For years I have let Bipolar Disorder define who I am as a person, and unfortunately I tend to not make the best decisions when I'm manic (understatement!) I am currently dealing with legal issues that are a result of my chosing to ignore my illness. It's so easy to stop treatment because you "feel better" when, in fact, feeling that good is a sign of mania.
Currently I see a Psychiatrist, Psychologist (individually and in group), I take Lexapro, and receive ECT treatments once every three weeks. The ECT treatments have helped tremendously...and those along with the support from my husband and family have helped me to finally feel as though I can manage my illness and still be loved. I'm finally facing the shame I have felt head-on and am hoping to work my way through those feelings.
For those of you following this blog - thank you! I appreciate your time and any comments or suggestions!
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